I miss . . . all of you

 Looking back at all my relationships I've had in the past I realize that I miss a few of them. The feelings that wash over me can be so strong one day, yet on others I can live without. Each one of these guys took a small piece of my heart with them, even when I put the thickest, highest wall to protect it. I felt like a different girl with each of them, yet myself with all.

 With Wayne, I felt complete. It was as if I found the person that was completly made for me, we were fully compatible. Unfortunatly, our compasity would only work for the present and we both were too heartbroken from previous relationships to give 'us' a try. I miss how we would laugh and talk about anything that came to our minds. I tried to learn spanish, and even took on latino music just to comprehend faster. I became almost housewife and was there whenever he needed me. But in the end, we both were too broken to try and remain friends today. We have successfully shut off our attractions for each other when we spend time together, but on some nights I can't help but wonder why we couldn't work- even though I already know the answer. What I miss the most, is the chemistry we had that made me feel warm and complete. I never had that before him, he was the one who made me believe that I could be truly loved by someone.

 With Ray, he made me feel special. He pursued me; even when I said 'no', he tried again. I fought it for months, and even while we talked I would push him away. I cared for him, but he cared more. He told me I was beautiful even when I looked my worst; he meant it every time too. I cared for him, but he couldn't make time for me. (I'm not a needy girl. Every girl would be like 'WTH!' if there was not communication for a month at a time.) He was the only one I said 'I love you' to, but sadly I abused it, and really didn't fully mean it. What I miss more is talking about 'our' future, just having someone to play pretend with was wonderful. Even though he cared more, he showed me that I can be comfotable in my own skin no matter how awful I feel or look.

 With Luigi, he makes me feel worthy. I know that sounds weird but I have no other wording for it. He's the smartest, best looking guy I've talked to. He has it all going for him, which is a plus. He's musically talented and I'm artistic so we have lots of discussions about practically anything. We laugh and joke along with having chemistry. He's the first guy I've wanted to impress. I want to improve myself, like continue school and better my appearance, so he could be amazed. I've always done things for myself, I set goals- I reach them; I want to do something- I do it with no hesitation. Now, I see my goals as not high enough; my dreams aren't big enough. I'm bettering myself for me, but he is my motivation to continue. Somehow without him even doing or saying anything to me about my choices, I feel like I deserve better in life. What I miss most is feeling safe in the arms of someone you trust. Without him having any idea of this effect he has on me, he's shown me that I can be more and to raise the bar for my life goals. 

Each of these guys are so special and they are gems in my life. I was a different girl with each of them in the way that I saw myself. I learned a lot about myself while spending a part of my life with them. I miss Wayne, Ray, and Luigi- along with the effects each of them had on me ;)  

 

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