I've been laying in bed and thinking for the past couple days about Heath. I have been battling with myself to understand why the hell I have so many walls up and not let anyone in. How did I get to this point that I just date and not care whatsoever about the person? I lay here thinking I gave myself all to Heath, not just once- but TWICE. This is what changed me forever. I thought he was the one for me, I even asked God for him a couple weeks before I met him. My heart hurts so bad just thinking about why he gets to be happy now. Why does he get to hurt me so extreme and break me then end up happy with someone else? I know he's had troubles in the past and I am happy for him, but my jealousy is so much stronger and clouding my judgment. I want nothing more than to tell him that I'm glad he's moved on but my sour feelings are still here and will cause nothing more than mental trouble for him.
I am scared that I will not change and I will forever be blocked and guarded. This is a very horrific feeling for myself and I'm starting to shut down. I just want to be happy so bad with someone and know that I am loved back. This really can cause problems in my heart and day to day life. I just want to be a good person and go back to how I was before I tried loving someone and be pushed down from that cloud.
God if you are listening, please help me. I'm at the end and need you. Please show me your love and let me know I'll be okay. I need to know everything will be okay and that I can rise above this feeling of lonelines. I love you.